The Seagulls Burnt The Pier!
Published 3rd Jun 2003 by Dan

Every picture, postcard or poster of the west pier in days gone by had the customary swarm of starlings encircling the skies above it. So what has become of them now that their home of over one hundred years has crumbled and burned into the sea? We asked the squirrel, our top notch contact in the animal kingdom, to do a quick bit of research into their plight. His report may disturb some (of the more pathetic) readers!



"The West Pier Sparrows, part of the National Sparrow Collective have been staring disaster in the face ever since early this year when part of their historic home unceremoniously slumped into the sea. Their domination of the area looks like it may come to an end now that fire has somehow struck the wooden frame.?

Spotting to a posse of birds on a piece of floating debris, somewhere in between the used condoms, chemicals and raw sewage which make up the English Channel, I managed to catch up with a few of them. These guys know exactly how their home was destroyed. One starling, who didn?t want to be named commented:

?Fucking seagulls. Good for nothing shitehawks. They don?t like the fact that we have power in this town, and use disgusting terror tactics to try and defeat us.?

Yes. You heard it hear first. Call the police, tell them to stop their investigations. Tell them the squirrel sent you. Tell them who started the fires; it was those sinister-looking, verminous, hideous beasts of burden. Those ice cream stealing, head shitting, car shitting, irritating creatures; seagulls.

Rogue fireworks, squatters, speedboats or arsonists didn?t start them. There was no freak lightning strike, and, although I have been seen posing with a lighter near by, police have ruled me out of their investigations :)

As we went to press, no seagulls were available for questioning, but from my previous encounters with the Mighty Whites, I know that they have had a bone to pick with the starlings, ever since they invaded the pier shortly after it was closed to the public. They are angry and they are not afraid to show it. The recent suicide attacks on the pier are only the tip of the iceberg.

So what for the fate of the starlings? I asked Jimmy W Bird, leader of the starling population. I put it to him that he might want to move town, maybe try Bournemouth of Eastbourne, or even go for a bit of continental life in Dieppe.

With a menacing look, he replied, ?The west pier is a free, peaceful area. We have no quarrel with other species, and seek only a free land, but we are not going to let these terrorists get away with this. We will fight their evil, using any means necessary to remove these tyrants and liberate the winged population of the city.?

Strong words, but how does W Bird intend to do this?

?We may be a quarter of their size, and lack their guts and charisma, but tactically we are superior. You must have seen us practising our formations over the pier. We are famous for it.?

Well. Yes we have. They are famous for it. But I just don?t see how flying in pretty patterns around an inanimate object at sunset is going to get shot of the seagull population, especially with their

size and strength.

However, news has it that W Bird has been involved in high ranking meetings with, Bony Fetha, leader of the Brighton Pigeon population. Could this be the answer to their prayers? Could this coalition finally end the seagulls? reign of terror?

We?ll have to wait and see. The combination of fancy aerial power from the starling population and the dopey, slow moving, confused pigeons on the ground could just be enough to finish the seagulls off.

Keep your eyes on the prize. Expect fires, explosions, kamikaze attacks?. and watch your heads. This town is a war zone, and we don?t yet know it"

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